Gone Fishing.

 By Juan Ramirez.

“Final notice. I am summoned to appear nude in the streets for my designated torture and/or execution. I cannot afford a vacation.”

Hipster Fishing ride by Soren Grau.

Tuesday. Judgement Day. The clocks stopped working and the dog went ape at the sun. I suppose it would have been better to be in a church, but I wasn’t. All the churches in town are heavy and I resent heavy things. The neighbors were being murdered at an alarming volume. There were trumpets too although it might have been the high-school kids saying goodbye. The deadbolt was hot to the touch and the blinds were melting. Bad things outside. The dog was afraid and asked me to hold him. The dog was very heavy. I do not resent the dog.


Wednesday. There is a knock on the door at twenty-five-minute intervals. This continues through the day and has been perceived as malicious. I do not open the door. The dog is relieved. We sit in front of the fan and recite dirty limericks. There was a young sailor named Bates who danced the flamenco on skates. There is a knock on the door. Gone fishing. The dog has a weak heart, I give him a pill. Outside, unpleasant sounds. I do not open the door. Large animals, surely. Very heavy. On television there is a man showcasing 18th century Spanish weaponry. The spontoon, the partisan, the halberd etc. Nothing compared to a Colt automatic. I own a Colt automatic, but I threw it in the canal as a precautionary measure. There is a knock on the door.


Thursday. Nothing, really.


Friday. For lunch I eat four hardboiled eggs with salt and a bowl of chicken soup. The dog is depressed and wants to take a vacation. I do not feed the dog; it is not his time to eat. There is a letter slipped under the door. Final notice. I am summoned to appear nude in the streets for my designated torture and/or execution. I cannot afford a vacation. The economy is a difficult thing to understand. I own a considerable amount of gold bullion, but it has been thrown into the canal as a precautionary measure. Horrible things are happening in the window. I try not to look. There is a letter slipped under the door. Buy 2 Windows and/or Patio Doors & Get the 3rd 60% Off. I feed the dog a bowl of slop and this makes him very happy. On television there is a woman crying. I do not believe her. There is nothing else on.


Saturday. There are spiders in the bathroom watching me urinate and bathe. I do not understand their chain of command. Spies, surely. I am unaffected by the attention. I have killed mosquitos, wasps, houseflies, fire ants, cockroaches, dragonflies, ladybugs, gnats, hornets, rabbits, stray cats, snakes, goats, cows, pigs, chickens, hummingbirds, black birds, black bears, brown bears, white bears, and a variety of spiders. Nothing has ever killed me. I am the big fat papa. Nobody is torturing me. This is a very good way to live.


Sunday. Phone call from mother. She had been watching television and is very upset. There are very upsetting things on television, I tell her. I remember when you were a boy, she tells me, when you would smile. Ten minutes of this. She tells me the Merriam-Webster word of the day before hanging up. Hummock (noun) / HUM-uk / a small round hill or mound. I pour whiskey down my throat until I fall asleep. The living room tiles are cool against my cheek. Everything else is on fire.

The Blood Pudding – February 19, 2024

Juan Ramirez is a writer of distinguished anonymity. He was born with ten fingers, ten toes, and a full set of teeth which he carries with him today. His blood type is B negative, and he has no identifiable tattoos or scars, save the slit in his upper lip put there by a rat terrier in the year 2020. He is considered to be armed and cancerous. If found: kill on sight.


Artwork: Soren Grau is an artist from Denmark who has lived and worked in Los Angeles for the past several years. He paints in a street art-inspired Neo-expressionist style. Rather than focusing on mainstream art-house, Soren’s work instead engages the viewer with color and symbolism, science, and pop-culture sarcasm. He cites Pollock, Jean-Michel Basquiat and Clyfford Still as inspirations in both style of painting and attitude. You can find his work here.